Of course you chose me as your tour guide! How could you possibly think you would get a better tour with Erasmus Twiddle or Bagby Butterbottom? You couldn’t. They are mere children with hardly a penny to their names. I am the only person in Grmkville who knows what I’m talking about, no matter what I’m talking about! I am also the only person in Grmkville who’s rich, rich, rich! But ugh ... you’re stinky. Before we get started I have to spritz you with my ridiculously expensive perfume.

There. Much better. Not perfect, but what can I do? You’re you. You smell like you. Let’s move along.

   

When visiting Grmkville for the first time, most tourists go to the museum or to the theater. Foolish tourists! Anyone who’s as smart as I am—and that would be nobody—knows that the place to visit is Grmkville Federal Bank. What makes Grmkville Federal Bank so special? Why, it’s where I keep all of my money! If you’re nice, maybe the bank manager will let you see a pile of my money. You will faint from seeing so much money at once. On second thought, even if you’re nice, the bank manager will not let you see my money. Because I don’t want you to.

Do you smell that? No, look who I’m asking. I smell a certain je ne sais stinky. Let me spritz a little more of my costly perfume … there.

We’d better be moving along.

    

This is where I buy all of my expensive jewelry. I spend more money on useless, twinkling trinkets than most families spend on their houses or apartments. And you know what? I’m worth it! Unfortunately, today there seems to be an odor outside of the jewelry store and I am forced to spritz my perfume yet again.

We had better get going before I faint from all of this foul odor.

    

This is where I spend five times more for a scarf than I have to. Why do I do it? What a ridiculous question. Because I can! I know that I could get a perfectly good scarf across the street for almost nothing. But I don’t want a perfectly good scarf. I want a perfectly expensive scarf! If you don’t have as much money as I do—which, I assure you, you do not—then you can’t possibly understand.

A spritz of perfume for good luck and we’re off to the next site.

     Vleef and Carpels has stores all over the world, in the most fashionable towns and cities, as you can see by this plaque.     Oh my, look what I found! Obviously I don’t need this penny, but money’s money and I love money. So I’ll just pick this penny up, deposit it into my account at Grmkville Federal Bank where it will earn interest, and then I’ll use the interest to buy expensive jewelry and scarves at my favorite stores! Never underestimate the power of a penny.     Whew. Are you getting tired? I’m getting tired. I usually make my servants carry me everywhere, but I fired them when they said I was too heavy. Don’t worry. I’ll be all right. I’ll hire new servants tomorrow.

Well, this is where I live. Isn’t it lovely? I hired many decorators but I decorated it myself. No, it doesn’t smell here outside my house. How dare you suggest such a thing! But I will spritz my perfume anyway. I can’t help it. This is how I was drawn.

I think you should go now. I’m a very important lady and I’ve wasted enough time showing you around. This, the best tour of Grmkville you are ever likely to go on, is over. Good riddance to you!

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