A hearty alas to you, mateys! If it’s a tour of Grmkville you be wantingeth, then it’s a toureth of Grmkville you’ll be getting, aaaargh! And on behalf of myself, I’d like to thank thee and thou and thensome for choosing me, Bagby Butterbottom, land-pirate and actor, as your guideth. Wherefore and heretofore, ye lazy lubbards, let’s be off!

Costumery works wonders for my mummery, hark! And the Wigs & Things Costumery Shop is where I findeth all the latest fashions for my acting needs. By the by, “mummery” is just a fancy word for “acting,” which I am quite goodeth at, if I do say so myselfeth. And I do say so. I just did! But gentle people, there are times when I must do my mummery without any costumery at all. Oh woe was me and I be woe! Did you see me in Hamlet’s Pumpernickel Loaf? What about The Merry Munchkins of Windsor or King Lear’s Ear? Of course I wore costumery in all of those productions! Forsooth and egad, I was just askingeth if you’d seen me in them.

Ah, yes! This is the Grmkville Wax Museum. I ofteneth come here to rehearse with my favorite actors. Forsooth and alas, any actor you can ever think of is inside and I assure you they are all eager to act with me, Bagby Butterbottom. My friends from The Wizard of Oz are right inside but, alas and woe, I cannot introduce them to you because lawyers might not like it. “Aaargh, Dorothy, I’ll save yer pig tails from the likes of nasty witches! What say you leave off consorting with cowardly lions and such and thou, and let a land-pirate show you the town! Ahoy, ahoy!”

I know I speak for myself when I say that one of the finest actors I ever saw was ... me!

Aaaargh! Ain’t she yar, mateys! I say, she makes a land-pirate proudeth. This is one of my many bush-vessels. A land-pirate can never have too many vessels of the bush variety, forsooth. I have bush-vessels docked all aroundeth Grmkville, alas and such, but this one is the fastest. Every bush-vessel should have a nameth. Let’s see, I hereby christen this and thee bush-vessel “The Thorny Mermaiden.” All a-bush that’s goin’ a-bush!